


The Concerns of the Slayers of the Unmentionables (and Jack) Over Their Friend, Sam Riley.

by RebornySuperbia



Category: British Actor RPF, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies RPF
Genre: Bella is the mom-friend obv, Comedy, Friendship, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Intervention, Smoking, They just really care about Sam and want the best for him, and Jack is the hipster friend, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 00:46:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5986624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebornySuperbia/pseuds/RebornySuperbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The group has an intervention to discuss Sam's smoking habits. (Only because they care!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Concerns of the Slayers of the Unmentionables (and Jack) Over Their Friend, Sam Riley.

**Author's Note:**

> That's some long-ass title.  
> I'll have to give you a few warnings for the stuff you're about to read. This is purely the lovechild of me and my friend's feels after watching the movie. This is all based on our headcanons and thoughts and we can't stop thinking about these as a group of dorky friends.  
> Also, I own none of them, obviously.  
> And I just finished this like 10 minutes ago and I don't wanna go through it again because I'm too tired but I feel too accomplished.

Sam walked towards Bella’s apartment. The group chat – called “The Slayers of the Unmentionables (and Jack), appropriately – was buzzing mercilessly for the past two days. They kept asking him to come over Bella’s house because they all needed to hang out as soon as possible. With their busy schedules and such, they hardly had any time to see each other. He had told Alexandra that he was going and she seemed too eager when she agreed. That was when the suspicion started.

What made him even more suspicious was how eerily quiet it was when he knocked on the door. Usually he would hear their laughter from behind closed doors, but they weren’t talking. He frowned. The door opened and Douglas welcomed him with a bright grin. “If it isn’t Darcy!”

“Stop, right now,” Same replied, raising his eyebrows. Douglas raised both of his hands defensively.

“Alright, Alright,” Douglas said, opening the door wider for him.

“Is everyone here already?” Sam asked, and Douglas nodded, but seemed lost in thought, deciding to avoid looking at him.

Sam was about to ask him why he was acting so strange when they entered the living room. He stopped when he saw his friends sat in a circle on beanbags, two places left empty for him and Douglas. The mood seemed to somber, and he wondered if everything was alright. Lily straightened her back and gestured for him to sit down.

“What is going on?” asked Sam, refusing to move from his place. “Would I need a cigarette for this?”

He saw Matt shake his head and rub his eyes. “Everything is fine,” Bella said, her voice soft and steady. “Please, Sam, sit down.”

He eyed the table. There were snacks; chocolate cupcakes (Vegan, probably), coffee, juice, crackers with salmon and caviar on top. Someone left the snack duty on Jack again. Sam closed his eyes and groaned.

“Is this an intervention?” he asked. They only needed a banner.

“Yes,” Matt said, standing up and walking towards him. He held both of his hands and walked to the empty beanbag that was left. “Now sit down and relax. We’re your friends! Would you like something to eat or drink?”

Sam’s upper lip twitched as he glared at Jack. “No thanks,” he growled. Jack shrugged.

The room fell silent. Sam watched them exchange glances, and then Bella nodded. She cleared her throat and turned her body to face him. She smiled gently.

“Sam, I know this might be very strange for you. But we’re doing this for you own good,” she said while maintaining her smile.

Same looked each of them in the eyes. “And what is it that you’re doing for my own good?”

Lily leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees. “It’s about your smoking.”

“Excuse me?” Sam said, frowning.

“You smoke too much.” Douglas reached out and touched his shoulder.

“And?”

“We don’t want you to die,” Matt said, resting his chin on his hand. “We are your family. Your friend-family.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed and he scoffed. “I’m not going to die,” he said.

“Yet,” Jack quickly added, which earned him another glare from Sam.

Bella quickly stepped in. “I just think that it would be better if you tried quitting, better for your health.”

“And everyone else’s,” Lily added while pointing at the group.

Sam shrugged. “Well, it’s not on my future plans for me to quit smoking.”

The group looked at each other and sighed collectively. Sam grimaced. “You honestly thought something was going to happen? You got me all the way here because you wanted to tell me to quit smoking?”

Lily shook her head. She got out her phone and typed in something. He heard a faraway familiar beep, and then footsteps. Alexandra walked into the room, holding his son’s hand. She looked somber, and Ben was waving excitedly at him.

“What in the…?” He turned and looked at Matt, pointing angrily. “Turn off the music!”

Matt tapped his phone and leaned closer to Lily, whispering “it didn’t work!”

Sam stood up, hands on his hips. “Alright, alright, you guys thought that by bringing in my wife, I’ll feel bad. You are ridiculous.”

“They did because they care about you, Sam,” said his wife. She knelt down and placed her hands on his son’s shoulders. “Think about it, dear.”

Sam went silent. Suddenly, he was engulfed in a pair of arms, the side of his face squeezed against a firm chest. Sam felt Matt resting his cheek against his head. “Oh, Sam!” Matt said in distress. Douglas joined in on the hug, wrapping his arms around Sam’s middle. He was now squeezed in between the two men. There was a sigh of bliss, but he wasn’t sure who it came from. Gradually, the rest of the group joined, along with Alexandra and Ben.

Sam shrunk in the group and tried to wiggle himself out, but everyone was too close. A familiar smell wafted. “Okay, enough!”

The group hug broke and Sam took a deep breath, and he inhaled the familiar smell again. He quickly turned his head and stared at Jack, who had a cigarette between his lips. He pointed at him and quickly turned to the rest of the group.

“Why the _fuck_ am I the one having an intervention when this _wanker_ is smoking as we speak?” he said accusingly. Alexandra gasped and covered her son’s ears. Douglas turned to Jack and glared.

Jack looked around and blew the smoke through his nose. “This is stress smoking. Lay off me, Darcy,” he said, trying to shut down the conversation.

“Oh really?” Sam went up to him and glared at him. “Did you break a nail you pretentious prick?” He heard a gasp. Multiple, actually.

Jack opened his mouth, scandalized. “You know what? I’m not having any of this. Fuck this intervention.” He walked away and took his jacket. “No one listened when I said it wasn’t going to work!”

“Honestly, if you don’t stop fighting,” Lily said, fingers pressed against her temples. “I will chop off your dicks.”

Matt disappeared suddenly, mentioning something about shots.

Suddenly, there was a sob. They all turned and looked at Bella. Her hands were covering her mouth, and tears ran down her cheeks. Douglas quickly stood by her, arms around her shoulder, and started to comfort her. “I didn’t want this to happen. Why are they fighting?” she said, her voice broken.

“You see what you’re doing?” Douglas said, looking at both Sam and Jack. “You’re making Bella cry. Are you happy with yourselves now?”

Jack was frozen at the entrance of the living room. Sam felt the guilt wash over him. He looked around the room, and found that he was demonized by his friends. Lily was shaking her head disapprovingly, and Alexandra looked desperate.

Matt suddenly approached him with a basket. “It’s from all of us,” he said, grinning. He then walked away and proceeded to pour vodka shots for everyone, until Alexandra chastised him. Sam looked through the contents; there was a picture of the group (from Comic-Con, unfortunately) but Sam was the only one in black and white. On the back, ‘We don’t want to lose you’ was written. There was also a picture of him and his wife. And the rest was just nicotine patches and nicotine gum. A lot of that.

Sam groaned and covered his face. He knew he was slightly blushing. “Fine!” he yelled, catching everyone’s attention. “I’ll try.”

The aftermath was the following: Sam did, in fact, try and succeed in quitting smoking. The same couldn’t be said for Jack and they had to do another intervention (and Sam _indulged_ that one).  They now have a swear jar, with Sam, Jack, and Lily being the frequent contributors. They used the money to buy Bella a gift.

In the end, Bella emerged the happiest.


End file.
